When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
