We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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