everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
