i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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