I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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