You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
