eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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