Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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