i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
