Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
