i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
