you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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