I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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