Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
