If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
