The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
