I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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