I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
