Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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