I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You ate ashes out of my bong
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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