You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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