This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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