Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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