I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
