It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
