I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
