Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
