Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
