The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
