smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
