I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
