More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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