he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
