I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
