Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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