I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
