At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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