I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
