Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
