Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
