OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
