I need to stop coming to work sober
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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