Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
