There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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