One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's shark week go big or go home
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