how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
