Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
