why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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