my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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