if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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