life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
