listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
