Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
