Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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